Why conscious people still lose control.
When you know that you know how to behave in a conscious way, practicing full awareness and living with an inner peace, it’s hard to understand why you lose it out of nowhere. You find yourself being reactive. After some conflict has arisen from inside of you or around you, you take a step back and look. Then, when you’re open to reality, it hits you like a ton of bricks.
“Wow, I was totally living in and acting on fear. Why would I do that? “
You realize that you were being fueled by negative emotions. You weren’t living in the moment. You lacked faith. You were completely unaware of reality and you surely didn’t have trust in the process. If you are anything like me, you then start to think to the last time you remember being super zen in your relationship with life.
“Gosh, last week when I went through this and that thing I was totally okay with it. I was at peace. It was hard and things didn’t go as I planned, but I was in a state of love and acceptance. What happened between then and now? “
I have asked myself these questions multiple times. But each time I take my inventory in this way, I find the same thing at the bottom of it all. I was fragmented. I had been dispersed through all of my responsibilities and commitments. I was in pieces. I wasn’t whole. From being a good parent to my career goals to my relationships to who I want to be in this world… I had been scattered. I am by no means saying that all of these things are not important or that you cannot live in a state of peace while focusing on everything that is important to you. I myself have done so and these are the times when me and life are on the best of terms. But, there are also times when, seemingly without my knowledge or awareness, I allow these things to take me completely away from myself. I go through periods of time where I am never fully present or whole. A part of me is always away, worrying about the kiddos or the rent or the bushes in front of the house.
Being fragmented over a period of time is what leads to living in and making decisions based on FEAR.
This is what leads to unease and unrest. This lack of wholeness is what takes me from myself. It makes me who I’m not. Me and life start to disagree. Instead of loving what is and working with it, I begin to question what is and work against it. When me and life aren’t working together I’m so much less happy. I worry more and am less grateful.
Life is my all time best friend.
We do everything together and we know each other the best. We have always been together since the moment I came into this world. Through good times and bad times, life is always there. This is why my relationship with life is so important and why that relationship affects every other relationship I have, including my relationship with myself. When we trust each other we both feel safe together. When I’m at one with life I feel free. I know that it’s all good baby and everything is working out for the best!
“So why would I step out of this place? Why would I fuel negative energy when I know where it leads me? Did I acquiesce? I don’t remember this decision. I feel like someone forged my signature.”
The answer for me seems simple. I went too long without hanging out with myself. Whether it be through meditation, solitude, walks in nature or creating freely, I needed a moment with myself that I didn’t take. I needed to bring my entire self back together sooner. I needed to be whole for a moment. I gave myself a rain check and thought nothing of it. I assumed that I would be there when I got back. But, I took too long. And by the time I got back, the rest of me was scattered into tiny pieces. And it took some pain to bring me back to myself again.
So what is the solution? How do you stop this freaky cycle? Well, I’m not sure that we can stop it completely, because we are human. But we can live in a state where it happens less frequently and is less damaging, right? We can say hello to fear every once in a while, without allowing it to control our actions and emotions. We might even go for coffee, but we don’t have to live together. When fear shows up, we can be totally cordial without letting it interfere with our sacred relationship between life and ourselves.
How do you do this?
Don’t give yourself a rain check. Ever. Listen to your spirit and when it calls you, go. Make this the most important thing in your life. Make it so important that you put it above everything else. This doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you whole which makes you powerful. You are better for yourself and the rest of the world this way. When you are whole, you are contributing a hundred percent to life. When you are a giver to life, life gives so much more to you. You are a better person, a better parent, a better everything. Don’t wait. Make this commitment now.
And never, ever leave yourself waiting again.
Originally published on Holly Kellums